


The Insecurities of Her Past

by Oranakka



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Established Relationship, F/M, Insecurities, Love Confessions, Past, Relationship Discussions, Trust
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-10
Packaged: 2021-03-03 20:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24651532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Oranakka/pseuds/Oranakka
Summary: When Olivia learns that Elliot is back, she wants to talk about it at night with Rafael. What she didn't know is that, for Rafael, it would bring up insecurities he's been trying to hide for a long time.
Relationships: Rafael Barba/Olivia Benson
Comments: 10
Kudos: 84





	The Insecurities of Her Past

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there! First time poster on this fandom! 
> 
> Big fan of Barson (and Barisi for that matter), I've been trying to ease into writing them for a little bit now, and this is a first try.  
> I have other ideas in the works, other pieces of stories already written, but this one shot is the first thing I finished writing, so this is the first thing I'm publishing. 
> 
> I hope you like it, please feel free to comment or like, I gladly take every piece of advice!

“He’s back.”  
“He?”  
“Elliot…” she blurted out.   
“Oh… Back? How do you mean?”

Olivia was sitting comfortably on the couch, her head against Rafael’s chest, his arm around her. It was late in the evening, Noah was already in bed. It was that time of the day when the two of them could talk about their respective day, unload the burden of what they’d seen, or just laugh at the awkward situations they’d been in. They were both sipping slowly their glass of preferred alcohol. It had become a sort of routine, and both were looking forward to it, but the jobs preventing them to do it more often than they would want to.

“NYPD is setting up a new task force. Organized crime. He’s going to lead it.” Olivia said.  
“I thought you said he put his papers in?” Rafael asked, confused.  
“He did. I’m not sure I understand either. Especially after all the fuss with IAB, I’m not sure how he’s back, but he is.” she paused. “I guess a lot has changed since Tucker…”   
“How do you feel about it?” he asked, genuinely worried for her.   
“I have mixed-feelings, I guess?” she said, unsure. “It doesn’t change much to my life whether he is back or not, I mean… He’s gonna run another team, in another precinct. We won’t work together.” she paused, thinking about it, trying to make herself clear. “But I’m just really worried about the day we’ll cross path again. It’s bound to happen, at some point. I know it will. A meeting, a gala, a case... And I don’t know how that will go…”

Rafael could feel Olivia tense in his embrace, the worry evident in her body-language. He didn’t say anything. He just continued stroking her arm gently, trying to comfort her. If he was really honest, he wasn’t even sure what to say, and he wasn’t sure how to feel either. He just let Olivia finish what she had to say first. 

“I’ve been playing tons of scenarios in my mind since I’ve learned he’s back. The ones in which I ignore him, the ones in which I yell at him, the ones in which I play it off…” she sighed, leaving her words dangling.

She was thinking about many other scenarios too, her mind was running on overdrive. She was playing with her glass of wine, twisting it and making her nails clink on it. 

“The ones in which you’re happy to see him?” Rafael questioned, tentatively.  
“Yeah, not that…” Olivia asserted, sure of herself. “He left me without a word, not one, after all these years working together. That’s not going to happen. I just feel like I deserve some explaining before…”  
“You do” he confirmed.

_Not sure it’s gonna happen though…_ Rafael thought. He was tempted to say it, but he didn’t dare to. He’d heard plenty about Stabler over the years, and from what he knew, he didn’t seem like the kind of guy who would want to admit a fault, or who would apologize. 

“I just didn’t realize how much anger I still hold against him, and knowing that I’m bound to see him again makes my blood boil. It’s just like everything is coming back to the surface. I didn’t even know I’d buried all of these feelings before.” Olivia admitted. 

Rafael tightened his grip around Olivia, as if he wanted to tell her he was here for her, that he was supporting her, no matter what. He wanted to ease her anxiety. 

“It’s just an idea…” Rafael offered. He was choosing his words carefully, hesitant. “…but maybe you should see this future encounter as a way to finally say what you’ve been feeling, what you’ve been holding back for years…”

Olivia didn’t answer, deep in her thoughts, and Rafael suddenly realized what he’d just said. He suddenly hated himself for telling her that, and the insecurities he’d been carrying for years started forming a knot in his stomach. He bit his lower lip and shook his head, wondering why he’d said something like that. In wanting to ease her anxiety, he had made his own spike. He’d heard too many stories about Olivia and Elliot not to worry. 

“Or maybe not…” he mumbled almost unintelligibly.   
“What?” Olivia asked, curious.  
“No, nothing…” he said, trying to change the topic.  
“That was not nothing, Rafa. I know you” she asserted. 

She pulled away from his embrace, sat up and turned to look at him, sitting cross-legged on the couch, a questioning look on her face. He knew he had to say it… When she was looking at him like this, he knew he couldn’t get past this and had to spit it at some point. He breathed in loudly, as if he wanted to give himself courage. 

“Do you… still have feelings for him?” he asked, unsure.   
“What?” she exclaimed, her eyes wide, the shock evident in her voice.   
“Feelings…” he hesitated. “Do you still love him?” he continued.   
“Oh… Wait…” she started, realizing what the question implied. “Are you worried?”

He didn’t answer, but his grimace was showing all the insecurities he had surrounding Olivia’s past with Elliot. He knew they’d been very close, and he knew from the squad, especially Fin, that the tension had not gone unnoticed at the time. Many had wondered if things had always stayed professional between the two of them. Rafael had always wondered too, but he had never talked about it with Olivia. The question had never popped in any conversation between the two of them, and Rafael felt fine about it as long as it didn’t threaten the relation they had built together. But now that Elliot was back with the NYPD, it was as if everything was changing, and the worries were suddenly stronger than ever. It felt as if suddenly, their whole life together was on hold, as if Elliot’s return was the thing that could break them apart. 

Olivia took some time to give an answer, not helping Rafael’s state of mind. His heart was beating too fast, waiting desperately for what she would say. In reality, she just wanted to choose her words carefully, but it was just worrying him more and more with every single second passing.

“I’ve been thinking about it a lot…” she started. 

Her first words took his breath away, like he was stabbed in the chest. His face was falling, he could feel himself starting to crumple, imagining all the ways this conversation could suddenly end.

“But I don’t think I’ve ever been in love with him…” she continued. 

Rafael let out a breath he’d been holding for far too long and he saw a small smile on Olivia’s face as she realized the anxiety that this conversation had brought in him. She chuckled softly, as if she wanted to tell him how silly it was to even imagine things like that. She found her place again against his chest and cuddled even closer, holding him tight with her arm around his waist, as if she was telling him not to worry. 

“I know it’s easy to say I was in love with him.” she started, her voice lower. “And I’ve wondered that myself many times. We were spending so much time together. I’m sure we were spending more time together than he was spending time with Kathy… And I don’t deny that at the time when he and Kathy were separated, I thought about it a lot…” she paused. “But it wasn’t love, it never was, and especially not in the purest and most beautiful way that love is with you.”

Rafael felt his heart skip a beat at the declaration of love that Olivia was suddenly making. The roller coaster this conversation had been was too much to handle for him. He gently kissed her forehead, closing his eyes in an attempt to calm his nerves. He was suddenly sure that Olivia was his, for as long as he wanted her to be, for ever if they could. 

She continued talking, trying her best to explain the feelings that had always been confusing, even for her. Or maybe, especially for her. 

“For a long time, this relation I had with Elliot, whatever it was, prevented me from growing on my own. It was toxic in so many ways, you have no idea… When he left, it hurt so bad I thought I would never get back on track. I wondered what I had done for him to leave me so abruptly, without a word. Cragen shoved a new partner in my face, and I was not ready. I spent so much time fighting with Nick. I don’t know if you remember, but when we met, you and I, I wasn’t even partnering with Nick anymore. I couldn’t trust him, he couldn’t trust me.”  
“Yeah, I remember…” he commented. “You couldn’t trust many people at the time by the way…”  
“Oh yeah. I know I was the same with you at first. I remember the fights in your office, the times when we couldn’t see eye to eye on a case. But you’ve never let me down, not once.”

_I did… When I couldn’t put Lewis behind bars for a longer time…_ he thought.

“You were there every step of the way, Rafael.” she continued. “Even in the darkest times, you were there. You stood by my side every single second from the moment we met. That’s why we became friends, and then more than friends. You gained my trust and I have an absolute confidence in you. I trust you with my whole being Rafael, I love you. More than I ever knew I could love someone”

“I love you too, Liv.” he answered, tightening his arms around her waist. 

They stayed quiet for a bit, appreciating the comfort of each other’s embrace. Olivia could feel Rafael relax under her, and realized how stressful this conversation had been for him.

“Rafa, why are you so worried about this?” she asked. 

He sighed, thinking about the past few minutes and the feelings it had brought in him.

“It’s just…” he paused, trying to find his words. “I know it’s stupid, but I’ve heard so many things over the years… about you and Stabler. I think it got to me. Maybe because you never had closure with him, I guess I’ve always felt threatened by him. Also maybe because we never really talked about your relation with him. He’s always been in your past, and I was your present. Until he suddenly became your present again.”

She took his hand in hers and kissed its back, resting it on her chest afterwards. 

“You are still my present. You will always be my present. Not once, since you and I met, you should have felt threatened by him… Not once.” she repeated, as if she wanted to assure him of her honesty. “I’m sorry, that you’ve been feeling threatened by him. I know it’s my fault, I know it’s because we never talked about it together. You know how hard it is for me to open up, we are on the same page.” 

They both chuckled, knowing well where they were standing on the idea of burying their past. 

“But you should know, that I’ve only had eyes for you for quite a while now, even if it took me a long time to acknowledge it, and then to admit it.”  
“Oh, trust me I know. Been there, done that.” he laughed, eliciting a laugh from her too.

They fell into a comfortable silence for a few seconds. 

“Shall we go to bed?” she asked, changing the subject. “I want to cuddle with you before we fall asleep, and it’s late already. And I have to admit I’m tired. It’s been a long day…”  
“What?” he exclaimed, amused. “The great captain of Manhattan SVU can be tired sometimes? I thought you were like a super heroine fighting the crime tirelessly”

She laughed and tapped his shoulder playfully, before standing up from the couch and helping him do the same. He pulled her close from him, his arms on her hips, and murmured before kissing her.

“Thank you. I love you.”


End file.
